Mother's Day

I will admit that my mind is no longer racing with many thought as they were a few days ago.  Infact, I have most my thoughts in the car and no access to the computer. The changes that I have made have benefitted me. I am taking more control over what I watch and what I allow into my home.  I have even been more aware of what I listen to.  Music is another one of those passions of mine.  I love all kinds of music but give me one with a good beat and I swear I was Madonna in another life.  Unfortunately for my kids I haven't chosen the best music for them to listen to growing up.  I did start listening to a Christian station.  It has actually helped me.

Today was like all my other Sundays!!!  Actually it was better than most.  I try to stay focused and not allow my emotions control my day.  The kids did well except they were awful in Sacrament. Infact they spent most of sacrament in the car (Hot).  I guess I enjoyed my sacrament meeting with Kylee because for the most part it was peaceful.  Kyle did a great job keeping care of the children. 

During Relief Society our lesson was on the Prophet and listening to the prophets voice.  I pondered that alot while I listened to examples shared and I think maybe I am the only one that might feel like I haven't listened to the prophets voice completely.  I know I have heard it and i hear it every conference. But listening and hearing are two different things to me. 

I say this because If i had really listened to the prophets voice I would have stayed away from debt as i was counseled and maybe i wouldn't have been in the position i am in now.  i think i need to do better at that.  i really need to do better in listening to the prophets voice. and i really should considering Pres. Monson is Kyle's grandpa's first cousin.  He is family.  More importantly though i know he is the mouthpiece for our saviour jesus christ.

i think maybe some may say i am taking life to seriously but i have actually had the most peaceful week in my whole life and i actually have lightened up quite a bit.  my eternal goal is to be able to return to my father n heaven and honestly with all my heart and soul say i gave it my all.  i sacrificed the things that brought me down, i taught my children by example and i didn't just say or teach the things they should be doing but i actually lived it.

my children gave me the best mother's day ever today.  I think I really like being a mom.  there is satisfaction in children.  i like their little ding dong moments and i love watching them grow into their own little people.  they are all so different.  my parents raised us all the same and they wanted it very text book.  this is why when i asked my mom who the hardest child was to raise she said "You were"!  Why because I had my own mind, i didn't conform to there way of thinking and i still don't.  i have no relationship with my siblings, not one.  i have spent countless hours stewing over and feeling guilty for the kind of sister and daughter that i was to them.  in the end i was never good enough and they could never forgive the past (I really don't believe I was as bad as they make me out to be). But nonetheless I have always tried to make things right with them.  So now all i have is my little children and a husband.  this is my family, it doesn't extend anymore than that for me.

i love my mom.  she was a good mom to me and she obviously did her best.  i learned how important it is to not take sides and to not allow my children to gossip to me about there other siblings.  my mom is a good lady.

as for me i hope i do things differently.  i hope i say things differently and i hope that no matter whose feelings get hurt, i hope i always stand up for truth and righteousness.

i am hoping to stay focused again this week and to take one day at a time.  i hope to stay true to my eternal goal and keep the eternal perspective on what is truly important.  it sure as hell isn't easy. but i am thinking just maybe it will be worth it.