DeCk ThE HaLls

WOW! Time certainly flies and so do the trials, even if they are self inflicted or sent from above. The last few weeks I have been in the middle of a Black Hole, tornado, avalanche, mud slide and maybe you could even call it the REFINER'S FIRE. And it is DAMN HOT!!

I sometimes wonder what these trials are trying to teach me. My last post was all about reinventing myself and really trying to stay focused on the events that pass through my life and the lessons that are learned.

I must say I will be GLAD when this YEAR is over. I will welcome 2015 with new perspective. At least I HOPE. :)

My lessons these last few weeks have been with Family. I believe Family is our biggest trial in life. With a family we find ourselves: JUDGING, COMPARING, SERVING, LOVING, ENDURING, LAUGHING, WONDERING, & I must say I'm guilty of the UNBELIEF.

My situation served me in such despair that I felt lost, alone, and complete desperate to understand the Plan of Salvation. I really began to LOSE Faith in what I completely know to be true. I couldn't believe that such vulgar & foul words could be spoken so harshly towards my daughter & then to be told that it was in this person's righteousness to "Reprove me, when moved upon." After being told how fake I am & how I don't live the gospel & only when it is convenient, I couldn't help but doubt the reason I was given the family I was given. Because for me isn't just my side of the family it seems I am not in good thoughts of some of my husband's family.

And the wonderment began. The doubt of who I really am began to sit in question of what was my Father in Heaven thinking when he created me.
I mean after all a good friend 4 months ago told me the entire city of Cedar hates me. And if I'm the common denominator what is that I need to learn and what is it I need to change.

After I pondered & reluctantly prayed to my Heavenly Father I came to the conclusion that I needed a blessing. I needed to hear words from my Heavenly Father through the power of the priesthood. I needed to know that I am No different then anyone else in this world-I needed to know that I am worthy of the Atonement & I am deserving of the Saviors Love.

This was such a new concept for me because I have never lived in doubt. I have always had a strong testimony of the Eternal Perspective & now I was wanting to believe that I wasn't worthy of the Eternal Perspective. And my thoughts were, "How can I let these people, (aka: FAMILY) destroy everything I knew to be true.

I knew I couldn't allow Kyle to give me a blessing because he was to close to the situation. He was so disgusted by the situation and he understood my "Why".

So off I went...I went to my neighbor family who has loved me unconditionally since I moved into the ward. This sister has taken me under wing and has been a mentor to me. Kyle would always tell me how classy she is and what a neat lady she is and her husband is just the same.

Desperately I texted her without telling her the situation. And her husband was on call that night and so I was a little disappointed but I was grateful that she and I could just visit as friends. But as the time grew late I did let her know that I wanted to ask her husband for a blessing. After our 2 hour visit her husband returned home from delivering a baby and I felt bad to ask because he works such long hours but his wife was insistent. And so the blessing began:

He blessed me to know that Heavenly Father knows me
He called upon the ministering of angels to be with me during this lonely time
He blessed me that in the Lord's time all will be good and I am allowed to have peace at this time

He blessed me with other important blessings but the most important thing for me was to remember that God is in charge of this life.

I also had the good fortune of attending the Temple because I wanted to be in a safe place. And once again I was taught the lessons of adversity through the scriptures. I had some time to reflect in the Temple & I read the 121 section of the Doctrine of Covenants. It began with the despair that Joseph Smith felt in the Carthage Jail. Joseph asked the Lord, not why, but WHEN, when will the saints be free of this persecution. When will it end. And then there it was (this is the second time in life this has been an answer to a daunting prayer) YOU are NOT as JOB!! I finally said to myself, I don't want to be JOB. But I did understand the love and understanding that Heavenly Father was teaching me. Just as my good friend Amber has taught me.. Stay on top of your triangle.

As my days have gone on I have found love in Family that is not Blood. Friends were texting me and I received random beautiful comments that I was loved all during the day.

I did not want to lose my faith. I wanted to believe in the goodness of humanity and in the Atonement of the Savior. As I sat in Sacrament today, which inspired me to post this blog today, I felt that so many of us go through the trials. And every testimony that was born testified of the love of the Savior & how he asks us to keep going, to keep trying, to keep believing.

I was even inspired in Relief Society: Elder Uchtedorf

"There are times we have to step into the darkness in Faith confident that God will place solid ground beneath our feet once we do."

Jesus is our Comforter, Trust the Lord, and as Elder Holland taught us, "Keep the integrity to theTruth & Faith you already know."

So despite the despair, anxiety, sorrow, loss, I say HIGH 5 to persecution because in the end I know the truth. And I know my heart. I know that if any family member came to me with a need, I know that I would be there for them. And that is all I need to know & the knowledge of what they think of me is none of my business (right Amee).

Love to all those who have supported me, been happy for me, & loved me in my weakest moments. May God bless you all with a season of happiness, pure peace & the love to forgive those who hate you, those who despitefully use you because:  you are NOT as JOB yet.

Last but not least, Keep your EYE Single to the Glory of God.

Peace & Blessings