After Losing it ALL!

I think it could be official. I have finally come to reality that losing it all doesn't mean a Damn thing.  Two years ago our family became part of the American epidemic.  Too much debt and then real estate crashed. So little by little we started losing everything. We had our Cadillacs, Trucks, Heavy Equipment, few rental properties, Grand Piano--the list goes on.  I really struggled with this. I didn't know at times what I could sell next just to put food in my kids bellies or even how was going to keep their lives as normal as possible.  They were used to a life that I never had and we had so many great times in the Motorhome.  We did however live in our dream home that we built for a year and it was awesome.  We had 5 acres to roam around on and we had sheep, cows, dogs, pigs and we felt really lucky. But because of some bad business choices our world was crumbling..so I thought. 

Many prayers were offered by me. I pleaded to Father in Heaven just to allow me to survive and to come closer to him. And many times my prayers were answered.  This has been a very humbling event in my life.  One would think that as you get older you get smarter, prosper, and increase in life-my parents seemed to have done this. But my life was taking a different path.  After 13 years of Marriage we were starting over and not with 1 child but with 6.  I remember getting on my knees one day and clearly hearing the words "Sadie, you are not yet as JOB"  That was quite a statement. I knew Job suffered much and I could not complain because I still had a marriage (which hangs by a thread) and my 6 kids were healthy and all still living.  I really started to be grateful for the experience and not feel so alone.  Once I started owning my situation and not being embarrassed everything got better.

I believe people go through trials for two reasons: 1 to learn for themselves and the Lord will push us to see what side of the fence we are on. And 2 to allow other people the opportunity to be worthy Servants of our Heavenly Father and follow Jesus Christ or to place judgement.  Kyle and I have been criticized by the people we love the most our families.  And that is all I will say about that. But it has actually brought us closer together.

But in the past 6 months I have been holding on to the possiblity of buying our house back in Cedar City. We had $300,000 cash of our own money into this house and in the day it appraised for 1.200,000 dollars. I write this so that it may be put into perspective what I am taking about. I liked the house but I think what I liked most about it, it was my kids home. They called that house a home and I so wanted to give them their home back.  We found out yesterday that the house has an offer on it and it is selling for $400,000. A lump in my heart, throat, stomach and all the emotions I felt for 2 years came flooding back. I was sick. Kyle and I have always worked so hard and now to watch the last thing we were holding on to be gone is hard. I cried most the day yesterday and tried to dream about all our new possiblibities in life.

The kids lost it for a minute too because this is the string or life line we were holding onto to move back to Cedar City. Now there is no way I will ever go back. My life there is done. And I am holding tight to prayers and faith and the strength to know that I am right were I should be. Things happen, mistakes happen and we can go to dark places.  I have been there. But I do know one thing it is all MATERIAL!!! We have small roof over our heads and honestly it isn't home but I hope my kids feel at home because I am here. Kyle is working harder than ever to provide for us and I think things will change in July for us. But my sad state was for a short period. I needed to mourn yesterday as I would a death. But thank heavens it wasn't a death. I have always tried hard to keep an Eternal Perspective. With having a son like Willie it is important for me to stay close to the Truth. The Eternal Truths are pertinent for my Salvation. I can't even imagine going to even and watching Willie take me to another part of Heaven were he is not. Willie keeps me grounded and he keeps all of us close to what we should be close to-The SPIRIT!!! 

So after Losing it all--it actually feels pretty good. I can move on and I think, at least I want to believe that reading the scriptures with my girls has helped the feeling of Hope return to my heart quickly.  Every morning I read and pray individually with each child. It is a nice one on one time for us and I hope it buids their testimonies.  Kylee had her YW interview yesterday and she said it was really good and she is so happy. She is so NOT like me. I was shy, and painfully shy all the time. I was and still am very insecure. But instead of hiding it behind my rudeness I am trying to be more patient with myself.

Kyle and I are hanging in there. We talked last night and we both admitted that if we have to do this forever (him gone 5 days a week) then we would be best to just move on in our lives. So hopefully we can endure the next 3 months and then we can do something different. We will know today if the offer is accepted on the Trailer park. I can't wait to sale it. He is a good man but a worka holic and he struggles with family time. And it honestly has been hard on me to be the hat to everyone. So our situation needs to change a little bit. But as I write this my mind reflects on the faithful women that waited for their husbands for years after they served a mission. And just maybe this is my mission. Man, I would rather go back to Uruguay. I hate it when the Spirit speaks evidences to your mind. Now I need to repent :)  I am always doing that. I want so bad to be good in everyway.

Well I think I am done for today. I have a lot of cleaning to do.  I am so grateful for these trials and life experiences. I hope I am allowing them to be written well on my life and learning from them.