The First Day

It is Friday May 7 and I am feeling very nervous. My hands are a little sweaty and my heart beating. I don't know if it is the same feeling I feel right before I get up and bear my testimony in church or if it is the feeling that I should not do something.

This is what I am talking about...little things that I have allowed in my life and  now I am wondering if because of these choices it is harder for me to feel..to feel the Holy Ghost.

The addictions: I will let you in on my biggest addiction. MEDIA!! I love TV. Not I love lucy TV but things like the BRAVO Channel, E! Channel, OXYGEN. etc.  I know you are probably saying "Sadie, you are crazy and taking this too far."  Do ya think!!  And yet I don't know if I really am..I love the Real Housewives of anything. That is why I named my blog what I did. I thought it would be fun to be real.  I have always felt I am often too REAL! I do call it how I see it and much too often people can't take the reality of seeing the nose on their face..

But my dilemna doesn't lie in watching these shows it lies in the question "Is this moving me forward in life, is the Holy Ghost with me when I watch these women be so catty, judgemental, gossipy, rude, immodest, sleazy, trashy, and my list goes on. (I would write more words but I don't have that big of a vocabulary :) ). From what I know to be true in the gospel, the 13th Article of Faith comes to mind

We believe in being HONEST, TRUE, CHASTE, BENEVOLENT, VIRTUOUS, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul-We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things.  If there is anything VIRTUOUS, LOVELY, or of GOOD REPORT, or PRAISEWORTHY, we seek after these things.

My mind races as I think of the quote by Neil A. Maxwell and other Apostles have said this before: We are not human beings having an earthly experience we are Spiritual beings having a Human experience.  So first and foremost I am a Spirit Daughter of a wonderful Heavenly Father and sister to an amazingly, merciful brother. My Saviour Jesus Christ (at least in my mind) didn't go throw all the suffering and sacrificing and teaching so I could sit late at night a delve into my own carnel state of mind.  This is why I need to stay focused on the Tree of Life. 

I did do it though.  I still watched it last night and I didn't feel guilty or feel bad or even really feel anything. And I am thinking to myself is that what I want..to go through life feeling nothing.  Now the night before I was up late and I turned on a recorded session of Conference. If you get a chance to listen to Neil A. Anderson-OM GOODNESS!! What a powerful talk on speaking more of our Saviour Jesus Christ.
But this is going to be my first Sacrifice.  My hands are shaking so bad..But this is where the fence sitting comes in. All this week I have been reading scriptures individually with my older girls. I THINK and I want to believe the Spirit has been in our home. Yesterday I had an amazingly Patient day. I am a yeller. I yell and yell and yell somemore. But I didn't yell. I am hoping to have one of those days today.  Deep down I know if I make these little changes the feeling of knowing black and white, good from evil, joy from pain etc. etc. will come back into my life and I am HOPING to really KNOW my Father in Heaven again..They way I so badly want to.  Many nights I have been crying myself to sleep because I don't feel like anyone is there listening, or I am worth listening too.  I truly feel alone in this world..(Spiritually speaking-how could I feel alone with kids kicking me in the back at night or kids talking in my ear while I write my story, I do smile at this thought though) but I think it is because of my fence sitting.

One of my GOOD changes is I had a desire to start reading books about the Apostles and Prophets.  I bought me a book for my birthday.  While in Desert Book trying to have lightening struck on my head of which book to get I asked a little cute worker and she said she had just finished the book "Yearning for the Living God" by F. Enzio Busche.   If you have heard of him Kudos to you. I hadn't heard of him.  This book is amazing.  His journey about growing up during the Hitler regime and how he survived it and then to join the church in Germany and his quest to find and KNOW God is touching.  I think it is because of this book that I feel a deep need to really know my Saviour Jesus Christ and really know my potential as a Spirit daughter of God.

First off, my posts are probably long for you but I can type 100 wpm and so it really doesn't take me long. Anyway, one of his comments really hit me hard..."All of our teaching and preaching must be geared toward creating an atmosphere in which the Holy Ghost can bear witness, be with us, guide us, and protect us."  Okay so if that is the case I am thinking my TV show is the first to go.  I don't think those people will be there to guide me, protect me, or even bear witness to me.  FOR ME!!! I am engaging in something that is not condusive to my SPirit.  Do I like it yes, because I have the natural man to take care of.  I believe I have been satisfying my natural man more than I have my Spiritual woman.  I swear those men get to me LOL.