First, I am well aware of the hypocrisy that lies ahead and
Second, I do not wish to seek out past experiences that have been a negative influence on my life. I would like to embrace this journey with the present and the future but I am realizing that I have only come to this place in my life because of the past.
I always thought I was a person that was NOT a fence sitter. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have always thought of the Gospel Principles to be very black and white. And for this I am grateful because it makes day to day temptations very simple, at least you would think. But like a slow cooked frog I have began to feel that my life has become tormented with what is right and what is wrong.
I consider myself to be very sure of who I am and what I believe in. My standards are high and my Testimony strong. At least I thought so.......
The PAST (there is that word I am trying to avoid) few years I have been discouraged with events in my life. I want so badly to have stability for my family, I want to prosper as I get older, I want to be a stronger disciple of Christ, and I want to have peace and harmony in my home.
Sunday was the day it all began.
I always thought I was a person that was NOT a fence sitter. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have always thought of the Gospel Principles to be very black and white. And for this I am grateful because it makes day to day temptations very simple, at least you would think. But like a slow cooked frog I have began to feel that my life has become tormented with what is right and what is wrong.
I consider myself to be very sure of who I am and what I believe in. My standards are high and my Testimony strong. At least I thought so.......
The PAST (there is that word I am trying to avoid) few years I have been discouraged with events in my life. I want so badly to have stability for my family, I want to prosper as I get older, I want to be a stronger disciple of Christ, and I want to have peace and harmony in my home.
Sunday was the day it all began.
Sunday was like any other Sunday.
I hate Sunday.
I have hated Sunday since the day I got married. And it has only gotten worse as I have had more children. To take a moment and be negative (see the hypocrisy of this all) ....It stresses me out to get all the kids ready, keep the house clean and the pressure I feel to be the perfect MORMON wife (at least what I imagine one to be), have dinner in the crockpot so I am not cooking all day, making sure the kids have their scriptures, hair done perfectly, family morning prayer, breakfast prayer, boys in suits, etc. and the list continues... If you are wondering where my husband is in all this we have finally decided that I am better to do this alone. He agrees that he gets in the way! It is a control thing for me and if I am only worrying about what I am doing than I don't worry about what he is not doing.
On his behalf he does get them breakfast, keeps the laundry going, dishes done and even puts potatoes in the oven so we can have baked potatoes after church. But this Sunday was no different. I was stressed and my husband left me with all the kids at church to go home. In the meantime Ammon had an accident, I was playing piano for primary and Willie, Attie and Ella would not stay in their classes, and no husband. I came unglued at church. I say quietly, but he says I announced it in the parking lot how upset I was. By the time we made it home I was unraveled. My husband was very patient and actually very understanding and apologetic, which he is usually NEVER sorry because he is Mars and I am Venus :) But because I continued on in my rampage of unbelief-HOW in the world could he leave me he pointed out one very important thing that has changed my life thus far...
Kyle: "Sadie, did you know when you were yelling at me that it was the wrong thing to do?"
Sadie: (Stubbornly, prideful) "Uh, well maybe----okay yes I can see why YOU might think that is wrong."
Kyle: "Did you know that when you know it is wrong and you do it anyway, that is a sin." (light bulb in my brain goes off)
Sadie: "Well ya, but it wasn't like a grave SIN."
Kyle: "Let's call it what it is..a turd is a turd right?"
Sadie: "Whatever
Kyle: "What makes you different than a smoker?"
And this conversation goes on to some reproving which was shown love after. And many of you may think I live with a man that probably deserves what he gets from me and honestly he would say he does. He and I have had our share of struggles but the one thing I have always admired about him is his consistency to have a level head. He would tell you he is FAR from perfect (although some label him as such). And I would agree with him but what has kept me glued to him over the years is his sense that brings Spiritual enlightenment to me.
The Lord has given me many gifts. He has blessed me with the gift of discernment. And I believe at times this is why I am very choosy who I would consider to be my dear friends. I have a handful of dear friends. But I have learned and grown from this. And I believe that is what we are all hear to do. To learn, seek out the good things God has to offer and more importantly stay close to those who can genuinely help us.
My Spirit has been troubled for sometime and it is time to make the sacrifice so that I may be awarded the blessings that I am in need of and deserve but my Spirit needs to be feed with great things. For the first time as I write this I feel I know what the scriptures mean to be Spiritually Fed. I think I am beginning to understand the saying, "I am the Bread of Life." My eyes feel with tears as I think of the Faith it is going to take for me to accomplish this journey in life. That last time I made a sacrifice that made a forever change in my life was in the mission field. But that was expected. You have a certainity of how things will turn out. And I am filled with slight fear that I may fail. Although it could be the fear of giving up the addictions that have slowly crept into my life. Yes, I have addictions and I will share those with you at another time. But for now my journey begins and I write this so that I may stay focused.
Kyle: "Sadie, did you know when you were yelling at me that it was the wrong thing to do?"
Sadie: (Stubbornly, prideful) "Uh, well maybe----okay yes I can see why YOU might think that is wrong."
Kyle: "Did you know that when you know it is wrong and you do it anyway, that is a sin." (light bulb in my brain goes off)
Sadie: "Well ya, but it wasn't like a grave SIN."
Kyle: "Let's call it what it is..a turd is a turd right?"
Sadie: "Whatever
Kyle: "What makes you different than a smoker?"
And this conversation goes on to some reproving which was shown love after. And many of you may think I live with a man that probably deserves what he gets from me and honestly he would say he does. He and I have had our share of struggles but the one thing I have always admired about him is his consistency to have a level head. He would tell you he is FAR from perfect (although some label him as such). And I would agree with him but what has kept me glued to him over the years is his sense that brings Spiritual enlightenment to me.
The Lord has given me many gifts. He has blessed me with the gift of discernment. And I believe at times this is why I am very choosy who I would consider to be my dear friends. I have a handful of dear friends. But I have learned and grown from this. And I believe that is what we are all hear to do. To learn, seek out the good things God has to offer and more importantly stay close to those who can genuinely help us.
My Spirit has been troubled for sometime and it is time to make the sacrifice so that I may be awarded the blessings that I am in need of and deserve but my Spirit needs to be feed with great things. For the first time as I write this I feel I know what the scriptures mean to be Spiritually Fed. I think I am beginning to understand the saying, "I am the Bread of Life." My eyes feel with tears as I think of the Faith it is going to take for me to accomplish this journey in life. That last time I made a sacrifice that made a forever change in my life was in the mission field. But that was expected. You have a certainity of how things will turn out. And I am filled with slight fear that I may fail. Although it could be the fear of giving up the addictions that have slowly crept into my life. Yes, I have addictions and I will share those with you at another time. But for now my journey begins and I write this so that I may stay focused.
No comments:
Post a Comment