Just a Post

Lately I have been contemplating my life's journey. I often wonder if it is worthy of a book or maybe it is just simply worthy of daily journaling.  For now I am going to resolve to do better to just simply journal what my life has intailed and then maybe later complsite everything into a book for my children. 

Last weekend General Conference was on and I recorded it so I could later watch it as I rock my little Ammon.  I really enjoy that time with him.  But one particular talk was amazing. Of course, it was by Jeffrey R. Holland. He is my favorite General Authority. The reason being he brought his whole family to the MTC to spend Christmas Eve with us misisonaries.  It was a highlight of my life.  But Elder Holland spoke of our worth and he Thanked us for doing the very best we could do.  It was a different talk for him because typically he is very passionate about his testimony of the Book of Mormon.  I cried throughout the talk as he said Thank you to the mom's who take care of a child with Special Needs. I cried as he reeminded me of the love Jesus Christ and our Father in Heaven has for me. 

Kyle and I have had an interesting life together. I am sure it is no more or less interesting than anybody else's but for me the Lord's University or the Refiner's Fire has a whole new and deeper meaning.  Kyle and I started off rough in our marriage.  We both at times had high expectations or no expectations at all. It lead to countless physical fights to verbal, emotional abuse. And somehow through all of that we have managed to have 6 beautiful children, repent of our shortcomings (sins) and really OWN our weaknesses and do our dangdest to make them strengths.  In the years to come there were many financial mistakes which lead to a Bankrupsty, certain privileges, and created a different stress beyond my imagination. 

We are on our second move here in St. George and we literally have no where to go. I have never felt more shackled or tangled in fish line than ever before.  And I have asked myself if maybe I am not doing all that I can do to show my faith.  I know what the scriptures say AFTER the trial of my faith come the blessings. But I keep wondering how long is the trial....? The scriptures don't say "Sadie, just do this trial for 90 days and then you will know what you need to know"  Wouldn't that be so nice to have our iron rod spelled out for us in such a way that would make much sense.  I haven't read the books on this but I have contemplated Emma Smith. And I really need to read more books of history about her. But I have heard that she moved around alot, she never had a place she could call her own, she lost so many children, but yet she stayed true to Joseph and was a woman of great faith.  I in now way compare myself to her but I look to her as an example of Trial, Faith, Long-Suffering, Temperance, Charity etc.

I spoke to Kyle last night that I feel as though I am the lost sheep.  Church has been a hard thing for us here in St. George.  A member of the RS Presidency's daughter said to my daughter that my mom doesn't like your mom. That penetrated my heart and mind because I keep wondering what I ever did to her.  They all speak with their lips but their true hearts desires are not there.  I have questioned my own membership here.  I didn't realize transient people get treated so differently. It's as if they are saying-so your leaving when-  I will say that Debi-Rs Pres. was awesome.  She is an amazing woman. She is very humble, thoughtful and made my experience here a good one.  My dear friend Lorrie who keeps to herself mostly has been an amazing listening ear and gives good hugs when I need them. I guess I was taught that every ward is your family and everyone loves ya until the new wears off. But I am glad to be leaving this ward.  I got released from my calling (playing the organ) which I absolutely loved and decided I wasn't going back until we moved.

To move on my kids have had a good experience in this ward. Which I am so grateful for.  Heather Fonger showed a great fellowhsip to my children and Bro. Best and Bro Lamareaoux did the same. And Lorrie Lamareaoux mad church so fun for Ella.  Ammon had some really great nursery leaders. I loved Ama. 

I have come to the conclusion that church is just a hospital for sick people.  Church isn't the Gospel.  I can live daily Gospel Principles and not go to church.  Going to church just allows me to add to the relationship I already have with my Saviour Jesus Christ and it allows me to share my testimony of gospel principles I know to be true.

I am thankful the Scriptures don't say And it came to stay-they say And it came to pass.  I know this trial will pass and I would really like this door to shut and allow another to open but for now I am learning to make the most of my journey day to day.  I am can only sense that Emma found strength in the Lord. I am trying to grasp the mindset that I may not ever be stable but I need to teach my children that true stability is found within themselves and with their family.  It isn't the size of home, the kind of car or even the places you live.  I have come to resolve the True Stability is found within our love for eachother and our Saviour Jesus Christ.  That is all I have to hold on to right now.  The Landlord is evicting us (another embarrassing moment in my life) because Willie lit the lawn on fire-kind of funny!! And interestingly enough very few family members have offered help or support. 

I won't go into details about how I feel about my family. I will say that is very sad. My parents spent alot of time trying to keep our family close and I really don't mind if I don't see many of them for a very long time.  I am looked down upon and some have hoped that I lose everything.  This only makes me stronger and keeps me closer to Christ because I know those people don't have a relationship with their Saviour to say such mean and think such awful things.  I don't wish to focus on this I wish to focus on my plan to survive.

I will survive because I do understand the Atonement.
I will survive because I know Jesus Christ loves me and hopes for good things.
I will survive because I know my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to come back home.
I will survive because I have 6 children depending on me.
I will survive because I have a husband who has grown to love me and understand me.
I will survive because I have a few good friends who lend me their ear.
I will survive because I told Heavenly Father, all the hosts of angels that this a life I could handle and I raised my arm to the square.
I will survive because I can Repent.
I will survive because Kylee tells me I will sometimes
I will survive because Sandy says she loves me.
I will survive because Willie is my angel.
I will survive because Attie says 'O mom, we can do this/
I will survive because Ella thinks I am nice.
I will survive because Ammon plays with my ears in bed at night and I wouldn't want to miss it.
I will survive because I am Sadie Lee and I am strong, I am sensitive, I am prayerful, I am hopeful and as the Lord once whispered to me I am not yet as JOB!!

These life's lessons I had hoped to get easier as I got older but I am finding out that my perspective and reflection to life and it's trials are hotter than ever.  My love and prayers to all who are going through their own personal trials, their own come to Jesus moments, and I hope in it all we kind find more charity, more Christ-like service, and more happiness. I have found happiness and peace in some many unexpected places  I hope you find yours too.