Thank Heaven's for Good friends!!

Today is going to be merely a journal entry. I can't seem to find my camera download cord so for now I will just write.  We had an amazing weekend with friends. Kyle's mission companion Brandon Sowards and his wife Tiffany and their darling four kids came to stay with us for a night.  I was really excited because we never have friends travel from far away and stay with us and also because these friends are hilarious.  And we did exactly that-we laughed until we cried.  Their kids fit right in with our kids. Their boys Beau and Reef played so well with Willie-they never even batted an eye about his one arm or anything.  Mercedes played well with my girls and their new baby Cruz was so smiley and Sandy enjoyed so much holding him. We were sad to see them leave but we took them up to Cedar and showed them Kyle's Trailor park-but it was right up Brandon's ally because we all know he is the king of Trash in Northern California.  So a big shout out to the Soward's family for making it so easy to entertain and Thanks for making us one of your pitstops in your amazing journey for Thanksgiving day. :)

Then on Sunday our other dear friends Aaron and Brandi brought us dinner.  They also have 4 darling kids that are BFF's with my girls. And they are so talented and neat. But Aaron and I got into a discussion regarding salvation. And to my demise it became my therapy session. Don't get me wrong I was grateful for it because I feel like I am in right field most of the time in this game called life.  It all started when I made a comment after the teacher in Sunday School.  Okay, I couldn't resist but I like to get reactions or even a little chuckle at church. The teacher made the comment that this life and our tests and trials are going to be worth it and I blurted "We will See"!!  It lead to my friendly chuckle and the class closed but as I said that Aaron said why did you say that.  Well I proceeded to explain that we shall see won't we.  I mean after all everyone tells us that it is supposed to be worth it-do we really know.

All in all it came down to the mear fact that I am not two feet in the water of salvation.  I am merely toe tapping. Which is completely true. I am a self-atoner.  I feel like a failure most days and it seems most my days are spent in endless guilt and self-persecution because of how I have spent my 37 years of life on this earth.  And honestly it has gotten worse over the years as I get older.  I feel like I live in this bubble of life and I am just dying to get out to really want to live it and be happy.  We all discussed why I am this way and I it has a lot to do with my acceptance in my family growing up. I have never felt good enough.  I was the rude child, the one that didn't finish college, the one that can't get along with anyone, the one that always starts it etc. Lots of comments made---that I have never let go.  I hold on to them as if it is gospel doctrine and as if it matters.  It bothers me that I don't have good, loyal relationships with my sisters. It bothers me that my dad always seems disgusted with my husband when we come around. It bothers me that I don't do everything perfect at home when it comes to teaching my kids the gospel.

With all that being said it was nice to talk to Brandi and Aaron and let them enlighten me on the fact that in the last ten years RS sisters have the lowest numbers in the church.  Never in the history of the church has the sisters had such low numbers in taking care of each other.  But it is Satan who is waging a war on us women.  He knows if he can win with us then he takes out the whole family.  I am going to stop feeling guilty for not doing the CULTURAL MORMON things--but I am going to allow the Savior to come into my life and I am going to do the best I can without the expectation of being a loser. 

Utah has been a very disappointing place to live. Although I will say the ward we are in now is more genuine than I have seen in a long while.  Maybe because 90% of them are over 60 years old :)  But it is refreshing to have a high priest turn around and ask who I am and when I say nobody he respons-you are somebody.  That really made me feel good.

Funny story about that lesson on Sunday was the teacher put up on the board NPTMS--and he said all you high priests will know what that means.  And he asked for all the high priests to state what those letters mean and I blurt out-Not Pertinent To My Salvation--and the teacher looked at me and I said "I know-I am not a high priest but I do know what that means".  He chuckled and said, You do!!

Of course I do I had deep questions when I was 14 years old and a dear Seminary teacher Brother Utley told me of this statement.  But back to me....Interestingly enough I need to worry about my own salvation and many will say well DUH!!! But I always felt like salvation was seperate but when it came to your kids and your spouse you worked together on it.  Well that may work for some but in my home it doesn't work that way.  I am supported by my husband but I am the strong one in the family.  Again, not a negative thing-Aaron called it a gift from God and I need to be grateful for that.  But I was reading the scriptures this morning and the last couple of time I have read the scriptures the chapters have been exactly what I need to hear.  They have been very comforting and uplifting to my Spirit.  This particular chapter was Alma talking to his son Helaman... and it is Alma chapter 36..and in particular I liked a few scriptures that really helped me and I think will heal me of this self-atoning process I have been putting myself through.

1-My son(daughter), give ear to my words;for I swear unto you, that inasmuch as ye shall keep the commandments of God ye shall prosper in the land.

3-And now, O my son (daughter) Helaman (Sadie), behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseeech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

4-And I would not that ye think that I know of myself-not of the temporal but of the spiritual, not of the carnal mind but of God.

I loved that Alma explained to his son how he went out to destroy the church.  He didn't pretend to be better then his son but he put life into perspective and he explained the repentance process and the journey back to God in such a way that Helman probably had more respect for his dad after this little chit chat. I mean if this Alma didn't feel guilty anymore for his sins and such then why do I sit and agonize at my imperfections.  Why do I sit and trumph on myself for being such a worthless daughter who has accomplished nothing.

20-And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!! 

I am not there yet but I am going to pray to feel that joy.

27-And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea and I do put my trust i nhim, and he will still deliver me.

There is my scripture of HOPE!!!  I must put both feet in the waters. And I can not afford to be of little faith anymore. When the Savior calls me to him I need to be able to walk and not think twice about what is around me.  I need to find peace and confidence in the Lord my God.  I am so Grateful for wise counsel. I am so grateful that someone cared enough about me to help me.  I felt stuck and alone and I was beginning to accept that and be okay with mediocrity.  I have let myself down in a lot of areas of life but I really believe that if I would have stayed in Utah with my volleyball I would have never gone on a mission which means I would have never met my husband and I would have never had the 6 beautiful babies that I had.  They are so amazing and I feel so blessed that they came to me-But I want more than anything to have the peace of mind that both my feet are in and I am going to do this and take care of my salvation the way I was taught and the way I know how.  I know Jesus Christ is my savior. And I am grateful to know that their is a loving Heavenly Father who wants us back and has given us a chance to do this.