From a Really GREAT FRIEND!!!! I am so lucky

Sadie
I just read your blog entry from this morning, but I'm not allowed to comment, so I will email you my thoughts.  You put into words what I can't.  You have a way of thinking things through from the painful to the hopeful.  You ARE a strong woman, my friend - I mean it sincerely.  I look at what you have gone through over the past 12 years or so and KNOW that Heavenly Father knew what he was doing - he knew that I couldn't handle what YOU could handle, so he gave me different challenges, but interestingly enough, we struggle with the same spiritual/emotional/mental struggles.   I was very moved by your thoughts.  And I want to share some of my own with you, K?

Elder Uchtdorf's talk in April about "Your Own Happily Ever After" provided me some interesting insights.  He says that "Sandwiched in between our Once Upon a Time and Happily Ever After we all have to go experience great adversity.  Why must all experience sadness and tragedy?  Why could we not simply live in bliss and peace?...Adversity teaches us things we cannot learn any other way and it helps develop a depth of character that comes no other way.  "Happily Ever After" doesn't even occur in this lifetime.  He said "Isn't that what we all desire:  to be the heroes and heroines of our own stories; to triumph over adversity; to experience life in all it's beauty; and, in the end, to live happily ever after?...Such a blessing doesn't come without a price.  It is not given simply because you desire it.  It comes only through understanding who you are and what you must become in order to be worthy of such a gift. You will suffer, be tempted, and make mistakes.  You will learn for yourself what every heroine has learned:  through overcoming challenges come growth and strength.  IT IS YOUR REACTION TO ADVERSITY, NOT THE ADVERSITY ITSELF, THAT DETERMINES HOW YOUR LIFE'S STORY WILL DEVELOP."

I have read that talk (or at least all the parts I highlight!) several times over the past several months.  Sometimes I focus on a few of my "adversities," like extreme loneliness - to the point it's painful, to extreme sadness, discontent, and misery.  I "self-atone" way too much, too.  But then I try and get myself back on track.  Right now I'm reading a book by Brad Wilcox called "The Continuous Atonement."  I highly recommend it.  I'm reading it a second time, now that I'm in a more "happy place," and am getting different things out of it this time than when I read it completely depressed and hopeless.  I am almost 40 years old and realize that I don't have a solid grasp of the atonement in my own life.  I misunderstood the parts about it which did NOT deal with sinning.  I am trying to learn more, apply more, and in my attempts, I am feeling much different. 

You know, Sadie, our lives have taken different paths and have even separated over the years, but I think we both are better people - NOT perfect people - but better for knowing what we know about ourselves and the gospel.  Our trials and tribulations, or afflictions or challenges or whatever you call them have NOT defined us.  In many ways, I have disappointed myself in how I reacted to them or let them shade my life a little darker.  I wish I had developed better "character" in dealing with them.  But you know what?  The past is just that - the past.  Today is a new day with no mistakes in it (Anne of Green Gables!) and I am going to start working on ME of the late 30's heading into her 40s.  It's not too late to change.  It's hard as hell, but I have to change - much like you were saying about YOU.   We CAN do it - but we can't do it alone.  That's the hard part for me to wrap my head around.  But we CAN do it.  I have FAITH in you, my friend.  You have overcome many things already and have yet to overcome many more things.  Your character is developing and you can start to change those aspects of it you don't like.  Just choose one thing at a time (that's what I"m trying to do!)  You're already on your way....

Anyway, I don't know why I felt so eager to write all this mumbo-jumbo to you - maybe I needed to see it written myself.  I hope something helps you gain some strength and conviction to continue moving onward and upward.  YOU are the heroine of your own story - and only the GREAT stories have much tribulation to wade through.   "And the day shall come when y ou turn the final pages of your own glorious story; there you will read and experience the fulfillment of those blessed and wonderful words "and they lived happily ever after." (Elder U.)

I love you and am so thankful you have friends who visit and offer great doctrinal insights at the right time for you.  And I'm glad you recorded your feelings - it helps!  Hang in there, pal - you'll get the last laugh!
:o) robyn

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