45 days ago!

I can't believe how quickly time flies in life.  I have had some interesting things occur in my life and I have spent the last 45 days learning that I am okay.  Since January Kyle and I bought a modular home in Kanarraville.  Actually it is 3 doors down from my parents.  I really thought this was a great idea.  My parents don't come visit regularly and I was thinking during the summer what a great opportunity it would be for my kids to have a chance to visit their grandparents daily. 

The end of January was a shocker. During a visit to my parents my dad proceeded to encourage me NOT to buy the property because it was Katie's town (his words exactly).  He also told me he bought the lot across the street just for Katie because he felt since she was there first it was only fair.

Well I did only the logical thing I could think of-I bought the property. When my conversation happened I remained as calm as I could and actually asked as many questions as I could.  The fact is Katie has never been a fan of me and I have never been a fan of her.  But with all of that a side my kids and her kids can still have a relationship and she and I should be able to be adults.  But it seems that she still needs someone to rescue her and it seems my father has been in need to say some pretty crazy things that have bothered him for 37 years.  For the record I am not his best friend.

Honestly, after I have dealt with the pain of thinking I was never daddy's little girl and that he hates my husband and is a grudge holding man I began to think about this life and what it really means and what it intells for me and my family.  Out of respect for my mother, she does what she has to do to live with that man and survive life the best she knows how.  I think we all do in reality.

But for the last 45 days and after some therapy and after thinking what religion was I raised to believe in-I have concluded that I still have a testimony of eternal families.  I think in the big scheme of things we are interconnected to one another.  Just because you aren't my blood doesn't make you family.  I hold no grudge against Katie or any of my siblings for that matter.  I think there is a box that we live in when we are born and that is our blood family.  I think it is up to each and every individual to find out who they are outside that box and create one all their own.

I have created my box and I have a strong will and determination to be who I am and be me.  I have to learn to forgive myself for not being the kind of sister or daughter that my blood family thought I should be.  I spend countless hours during the day trying to be the very best me.  It scares me to think I may not live with Willie because of some of my choices.  And I chose to not be apart of this family.  I have reached out to be the best self I could be and that I thought they wanted me to be and in the end nobody wants me anyway.  Oh Please------I don't feel sorry for myself.  What ever it is I take responsibility for my actions that has caused them to be so judgemental of me and my husband.  But I believe a little bit of what dr. Laura says: Just be polite-I don't need to have toxins in my life but as my husband says "You can endure anything for an hour Sadie."  And I have learned to be able to do this.  Slowly but surely I feel less guilty in life.  I have considered not continuing the education I have been pursuing for the last 18 years.  Yes, 18 Years. hahah.  Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Yes, some choices were made that brought me to this point but do I regret my decisions that lead me to marry a wonderful man that provides much love to me and the kids? No I don't-I can't.  I need to be grateful in all that I do.  Do I regret losing everything financial and going through a very embarrassing time when we borrowed from family? No I don't.  I have continued to struggle with certain things in life-just like we all do. And for this I am grateful for music.  It really pulls me out of some sticky mental situations.  I love the song by pink that talks about being perfect or raise your glass. And my new favorite by Katy Perry-firworks.  These songs motivate me and get me excited about life. I want my kids to experience different things in life-I want them to know that if they want to be a lawyer that they can.  I hope none of them is teachers. They don't have it in their blood.  I want them to make something for themselves that causes pain, joy, disappointment, accomplishment-something that is going to bring them closer to God-I don't want them tied to or controlled by the government.

I am very content with who I am-do not mistake me, I did not say complacent. I am actually in a happy place that actually doesn't judge me for being the sister I was told I was for so long. Rudy Rude was my name-I don't think some of my siblings new that by telling the universe this they were getting exactly what they asked for. :)  But I pray that everyone will find peace in their lives.  It is a freeing feeling to know where you fit in after so many years wondering. So I say Thank you to the man that made my life possible.  Without you dad I would never know where I belong.