NEVER!!

I should never go this long without writing. My brain is full of ideas, trials & experiences that have literally paralyzed my heart, brain & soul... I've also run into experiences that I just think if my shoulders have one more thing put on them I just might crash & burn...

Kyle always says that I'm going to give myself a heart attack because of the energy that I exert in a stressful time and it seems that my life may be shorted by the amount of chaos and stress that I have a literally always lived with.. I've always prided myself on my stress because if I didn't have stress what would I do. Sometimes my stress has motivated me and held me to higher standard but these last few weeks in dealing with my life it has been a month of reflection.

Questions arise like: Is it worth it? Would I do it again? Who can I trust? Sometimes the redundant phrase of "Where can I turn for Peace" echos through my brain and then the idea of trying to find one more thing to be better at... I think PEACE... that's not for me.. I wouldn't even know how to have peace... I know where to turn, that's the obvious... but to actually have a moment to FEEL it, What would that be like...

No I don't need a vacation... breeds more stress... No I don't need a massage... No I don't need anything except this moment of 5 minutes to write. Because honestly in about 3 minutes I'm going to hop back in the Mercedes and drive my daughter to dance, I'm going to psych myself up to coach my son's Baseball game and go against the opposite sex which truly terrifies me.. Yes BOYS terrify me.. and the reason is because I can swear like a sailor and I would really hate to line one of their sorry, pathetic little butts out in front of their boys... Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I can't coach...

So for now I dream of the night being over, I dream of getting in my bed, pulling the sheets over my head, turning my head to heaven and THANKING GOD for giving me one more day....

My babygirl is in Alaska, my house is a wreck, I feel a mess but yet somewhere deep down I feel angels holding me up and kissing my sweet cheeks with my tears as I'm determined to overcome the trials that have been handed to me.

Someday I will be able and FREE to tell my story of the last 18 months... someday I will share the true things that have affected me deep in my core and for the time being I feel my heart beating and I see my son dressed and ready to be a ball player.. So at the end of the day this little lady is going to say... Let's PLAY BALL!!!

Peace & Blessings..