Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Just SCARED!! NO Fear...

Is there a difference between being SCARED & FEAR?

Remember that post I wrote a while ago.. Remember when I had my nervous "mental" breakdown.. Remember when I shared my RAW feelings of trying to finish a few college classes & how thankful I was for the teachers MERCY!! Remember.. Do you Remember??

Well part of that journey that I didn't share was I have been suffering with severe Anxiety, severe heart palpitations, severe FEAR!!

What you may not know is that I felt like I was drowning.. I couldn't breathe.. It came from NO Where.. There was no reason in my head.. nothing changed in my life except ONE Thing!!

You may notice and You might NOT notice.. Five years ago I changed my life.. I changed my body.. I chose to have Implants put in.. I was so excited.. I had nursed 6 kids faithfully.. I wanted to FEEL Sexy again.. I wanted to Feel what I thought was REAL and Important. So I did what many women do to FEEL again..

What you don't know.. after the surgery.. I took the pain killers like I was told but I was actually OVER DOSING on drugs.. I was sick.. I was dying..

I went through the Drug Withdrawals and within days felt NORMAL.. Then the adjustment to the foreign objects in my body became my new Reality, my new FEAR, my new Obsession..

What you don't know is.. I HATED them!! I tried so hard to embrace them.. I thought it would enhance my sex life but it only deteriorated..

I was a MESS!! Mentally and Physically.. after all the anxiety issues and feeling like I was constantly going to Die.. I googled it!!

I decided that what I had was Breast Implant Illness..

Breast Implant Illness (BII) is a term used by women who have breast implants and who self- identify and describe a variety of symptoms including (but not limited to) fatigue, chest pain, hair loss, headaches, chills, photo sensitivity, chronic pain, rash, body odor, anxiety, brain fog, sleep disturbance, depression, ...

I had a majority of the symptoms.. I found a support group.. I started communicating and learning.. but I didn't want to believe it.. But I knew I had to have them out. I knew I had to start somewhere to get healthy and this IS NOT the Case for Every Woman.. but what I was going through... I was just fine 4 years ago.. What changed.. only 1 thing.. MY BOOBS!!

So in TWO Weeks I will undergo an Ex-plant surgery.. I found a wonderful Doctor.. In Fact, he may be my new Hero.. Dr. Hijawii.. When I met with him he looked at me..
And tears in my eyes, he said.. Why are you doing this?
I couldn't answer him..
I wasn't sick..
I didn't have Breast Cancer..
I didn't really know..

He said, "I know.. You just want to feel Good."
He never validated BII, but he validated the fact, that I JUST wanted to FEEL GOOD.

I am SCARED!! I think that maybe scared is different then FEAR.. I have Faith not Fear that whatever happens I will accept the consequences.. but I am SCARED..

I will have my B Boobs back.. I am excited, not excited.. I really like how I look in the DARK LOL!! But I do.. But I think anytime you have to admit that you screwed up and then when it involves a perfectly fine Body that Heavenly Father entrusted you with, it's frustrating to think WHY... Why was I so stupid..

I am just being HONEST, REAL & RAW people..
I hope that any woman that is wondering about it, just follow your gut.. Believe ME.. I've thought about just leaving them in and enduring it.. I've heard women tell me they are to Vain to take them out.. But the worst is the trauma I have caused my kids.. they are so strong.. and they say, "Mom we will have your back."

But This is just the Beginning.. it's another learning experience.. another growth experience.. another AH SHIT moment that I hope to move forward with..It's called LIFE!!

Live & Learn I always say..

Stay Tuned...
Peace & Blessings
#maximizeyoueveryday
#realhousewifesu
#awomanstouch
#realraw


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