The Truth!!

 Me!! I!! 

Everything I have done up until now has been what my sister-in-law would describe as the "Sadie Show"... 

So NOW it is TIME to come clean... it is MY time to pull the WIZARD of OZ curtain back and add DEPTH to my drowning... it's time to add DEPTH to my sorrow... and add DEPTH to MY WHY!!

I haven't betrayed you... I haven't been fake... infact I have been quite the opposite... I have almost been too real... I have been too vulnerable... I have been so REAL that this next part is WHAT I have been postponing... I have been postponing it because like President Trump says, "Let's DRAIN the SWAMP!!

I have this GOAL to serve others... to BUILD YOU up!! I have this goal to LIFT and SEE YOU and show you WHO YOU are and WHAT YOU are Made of... BUT

BUT BUT BUT!!!

Have you ever wanted to create something and FELT so compelled and to do so that YOU start it and YOU don't realize how much it has actually HELPED YOU?

I started Maximize YOU Everyday with such WONDERFUL intentions... 

I am LDS!! And I have sat in SO many depressing meetings where the women feel sorry for themselves... or they feel like they have NO hope and zero desire in life... or they feel overwhelmed with being the "perfect saint"... and I would sit there and think... IS church supposed to be this depressing... Am I supposed to leave feeling like a complete failure as a wife and mother... Am I supposed to feel like I let GOD down every single WEEK...

The answer is NO!! So I began to speak out... I began to (some would call it chastizing) get upset with their thinking... I almost didn't want to take my girls to these classes because they would come home and say, "Is this what women do in church, complain about their life."

Now it wasn't all like that... but It got me thinking... WHAT can I do to add value to their life... How can I help them remember WHO they are and WHOSE they are... 

Because for me it ALL starts there... pretty simple right... but it wasn't...

Here's the story of why MAXIMIZE YOU EVERYDAY was created... It was created in a very selfish way... Yes, I was in an empowering meeting when this came to me 10 years ago... but how it has impacted me and literally kept me alive at times... is the story...

I truly want to take this idea to the next level... but YOU can't go on this journey with me without the story!!

There is so much to write that I can only start and go back 23 years... Because the last 23 years have been the most meaningful... the most damaging... the most life changing and it's the time I spent the MOST time contemplating...

23 years ago I met my sweetheart... I met, got engaged and married Kyle Pulsipher... I was 23 and he was 21... I was what YOU may want to call a "COUGAR"... LOL... This man of mine was kind... gentle... thoughtful... did everything HE could to reel me IN... And don't get me wrong ladies... He really is that... but then it started... the HONEYMOON!! 

We went to FLORIDA... (where he had just served a 2 year LDS Mission). It was sweet... He didn't know where else to go and HE had no idea what to do... BUT neither did I... We SO lacked communication... and FLORIDA to me sounded cool... so off we went... 

I spent a week visiting "old mission companions" and "old families" he had just taught... I even had a lady ask me to stay in a different room while THEY visited... I couldn't believe this was happening... She even asked us to change our flights... 

The worst part was... Kyle agreed to look into it... Remember he is polite and boy was he... But he hadn't met that side of me and HERE it GOES!! I remember walking out to the rental car... knowing dang well our flight was about to leave... and he says, "what do you think" 

WHAT DO I THINK!! In my head... um... NO... Like HOW hard is it... Just say.. "No, I need to get my sweetheart home"... NO NO NO... that is not what happened...

Have you ever had one of those moments like... a WHITE chick Moment... "You said it, You were thinking it." I had one of those moments... I had what Kyle calls now an "AH SHIT" moment...

I said, "Well I guess I know who will have the BALLS in this family"... OH YES I DID!! 

I couldn't believe it... I said what my mind was thinking... I showed my true colors... I had had a terrible time in Florida... I mean really... WHO wants to see old friends after you just had sex for the first time... LET's BE REAL LADIES!!

But MAN... TRUE colors was about to get real colorful... I had pissed him off... I had triggered an energy that I didn't even know about...

Let's remember... Kyle and I had only dated 6 weeks before we got engaged and 6 weeks later we got married... Everything was CINDERELLA... He would buy me a drink at the local grocery store... then hold my hand and bring me over to his side of the truck and I would slide in perfectly next to him... ONLY to be that country girl (that I never was-I am from VEGAS remember). But I PLAYED the ROLE so well.

I was in LOVE this guy... HIS eyes... They were so blue and I knew if I had blue eyes and he had blue eyes... WE would only have BLUE eyed babies... and we did...

BUT I had him in 6th gear flaming... let's just say... he drove 100 miles an hour to the airport which we almost missed... he didn't speak to me the whole way there or the whole flight home... HE was a COMPLETE ASS... but I had just called out the "Family Jewels"... I spent the 3 hour flight home crying and writing an apology letter... 

I had NO idea what I was in for... but I knew I was being punished... I didn't know how to communicate and HE sure as hell didn't either... He had parents that fought every day of his life... he moved out of the house... or was "kicked out" when he was 17 and lived with his Aunt. He came from a long line of GRUDGE holders...  

But here I am... confused, scared, and all I wanted to do was go home... so the plane lands and we get on the road and we are headed quickly down the freeway... Little bit scary... He was a pretty fast driver... But here we are... so through all my tears... I say, "Please take me home"... "Please take me to my mom's house" "I want to go home."

I was scared for my life... I didn't know calling out a man's private parts could be so dangerous... But I was scared... because I knew I messed up... and I didn't know how to fix it... but all he could say was, "Oh, I'll take you home."

I knew what that meant... that meant my trailer... that meant I was going to live on the family farm in a trailer that I painted and wallpapered so I could try to make it a home... I knew I was going to be alone...

This was the beginning of an ETERNAL Marriage... FUN HUH!!.

It didn't get better... it got really bad... Kyle and I verbally, physically, mentally, spiritually assaulted each other everyday it seems like... 

I would be so MAD at myself that I would often sit in the closet and shake myself to relax... 

I would be so MAD that I was such a disappointment that I would beat myself up, physically at times.

I would be so MAD that I pray to GOD to bring me back home...

YOU GUYS!!! It's okay to NOT be OKAY...

How did I overcome this mess... How did I fight through the immature, insecure, ill-mannered situation...

NOW let's get real... of course there were some REALLY awesome times...

Like the time HE randomly took me to LA because he wanted to get his engine looked at on his 4-wheeler and HE took me EVERYWHERE with HIM... We loved going on Road trips... I loved quick drives here and there..

I remember the time when we sat down together and we were deciding to start having kids (4 months after marriage) ( I was thinking it would be good for us or at least for me)... but we sat down and I dropped the news on him that I felt very strongly I would have a son with Down Syndrome... and to my surprise HE was so with me... 

HE CONFIRMED time and TIME again that HE was my MAN and I was his WOMAN!!

I knew GOD had sealed this marriage... I knew it was ordained of GOD... 

BUT I didn't KNOW... I didn't know how to be a good wife... I didn't receive a MANUAL that said, "When he says this.. you say nothing" Or "When he does this, you smile and kiss him"...

ALL I KNEW how to do was FIGHT... ALL I knew how to do was fight through this mess..and so WE fought...

BUT we were PASSIONATE about each other... we were both stubborn enough that WE would not want to be NAKED in front of anyone else...

I LOVED and still LOVE KYLE... like passionately... I say his name and I still get butterflies... but the ROAD we traveled... I would NEVER recommend but I would never take a different path...

IT taught me everything GOOD I share with YOU...

Things didn't end there... It was never just a good fight and it ended...

I was literally torchered... MY inlaws, in my mind... I don't even know if I should go there... I dont' even know if they are worth the time and my typing skills for ALL the Bull Shit they ran me through..

YA KNOW!!

Anyway... I survived...and I have survived much... 

ALL the while... Kyle himself didn't know how to PROTECT, or  PRESIDE!! He had NO example of this... HE was winging it too... and I knew that... I always forgave him... And He always forgave me... because what you don't know you can't be held accountable...

But it get's better... I started to get to know myself and I started  to realize all the bad... the "abuse" was getting to me... ME giving it and ME taking it... I was lost and I was losing it... literally... 

You see.. I am a People Pleaser... and when people are haters... I'm confused... Don't let me fool YOU... I can create it as much as you can dish it... 

But over the years... I started to get HARD... I started to mentally protect myself and I started learning the GAME... I studied up on narcissism and it couldn't be that because maybe I was narcisstic too... but I couldn't trust my church because they always told me "if I did more to please him, he would be happier and so would I."

Kyle was a work a holic and never came home... 18 hour days... long days... he put his mom and dad first and didn't know how to tell them HE was a GROWN man and that he had a wife and family to care for... He still longed for acceptance and appreciation from them... 

I was dying to be that subserviant wife that doted and cared for and created a place of peace and harmony... Little did people know... MY home life was anything BUT Peace & harmony...

BUT the Kids kept coming... 1 then 2 then 3... 3 babies all under two and half years... I was going nuts... besides my hormones, the birth control I was on was making me suicidal... 

I was on my knees praying... I was hiding... I was lying to anyone and everyone... OH I am FINE!! JUST FINE... 

MONEY... You  would think there would be money problems... oh we had them... but we never fought about them... This is where Kyle really shined... He never questioned me where I spent it and I never questioned him... 

HE was a hard worker... HE always provided the best HE knew how... He always supported me (notice I didn't say "LET") in getting my hair done or my nails or anything... HE always supported me in buying MORE groceries then I needed.

But seriously... I had these 3 wonderful kids... I was teaching piano lessons... I had so many desires to be great but NOTHING was fulfilling this... nothing was filling my bucket...

I realize NOW it was ME... "It's ME NOT YOU"... You've heard that phrase before...

I mean I read all the marriage and self-help books I could but NONE of them made sense to me... NOTHING cured me... 

BUT I don't think I was looking for a cure and I wasn't looking for answers... 

I was looking for safety... I was looking for VALIDATION... I was looking for someone to feel sorry for me... and HOW wrong I was in my search...

Kyle started empowering himself... that always made me jealous... I mean... I wanted to be known for more then JUST a "stay at home mom"... Kyle didn't have it in him to work for someone else..

He was like his Grandpa Lewis and his Uncles... He had a SOLO type spirit... I didn't say HAN SOLO... he just had that spirit of controlling HIS own FREEDOMS... He didn't want to punch a time clock... He didn't want to answer to people... I mean.. GEEZ... He couldn't even be accountable to ME...

BUT if you think I was scared... I mean like... who doesn't love a "PAYCHECK"...

I came from an "Educated Home". I was always taught to go to school and get a job... My mom wanted me to go to Southern Utah University to be a Teacher... I so DID not want to be a teacher... I also found I had something in common with KYLE... I was an Independent thinker too. 

I'm sure I seemed more the Rebellious type... Like You say Blue, I say Black... but that wasn't the case... I just felt something more powerful in my soul... I didn't want to be tied down to a script... I didn't want to be on other peoples time and I sure as hell didn't want to be told what to teach and how to teach it... I had my own way of processing learning...

AND boy does it show...

Neither one of us like to be told what to do... 

Kyle and I did a lot together... We built houses together... We started businesses together... We traveled together... We were what my third favorite daughter calls us... "The Dream Team"...

Kyle taught me how to drive a loader and that was cool... I got to do things with Kyle that I never could imagine... He took me on guys trips... He taught me how to herd cattle... 

One time... it was raining and we had some cows and he said, "Sadie, get out we have to put the cows back in." I was like... WAIT WHAT!! It's freaking midnight and I am in my BIRKENSTOCKS... 

Never mess with a woman and her Birkenstocks... But I was the obedient kind of wife... and I LOVED pleasing Kyle... I mean if HE needed ME, I was there... I seriously just wanted to BE his PROJECT!!

And I was always up for a service project... so here I am... AHH AHHH AHH... I am yelling, my arms are waving, it is raining and pouring outside and I am yelling things at these cows because I am PISSED!!

But we got them in and we still laugh about our crazy adventures He got us into...

The kids loved it... they had to have.. they had a front row seat to our MOVIE... and boy was it a show...

After 11 years of marriage... and a huge blow up... Kyle looks at me and says... "I do not like you." I said, FINALLY!!! Finally... I've been waiting 11 years for this... NOW WHAT...

I mean in my HEAD... why would anyone want to be married to me... I look back and realize I did everything I could to get him to Hate me... BUT!! 

I was really at a point in my life that I knew I was fine... I became so strong mentally and emotionally... that I was so grateful for his honesty... It didn't hurt me one bit...

As a little girl... I always told myself I would be an Awesome mom but I would be a terrible wife... I think I felt that way because of my own personal experiences... I knew I was stubborn... I was told my whole life by my siblings how rude I was... my childhood wasn't the most positive speaking... I didn't have the best relationship with my dad and I definitely wasn't daddy's little girl... so I always felt like Men would not take well to me... 

TBH... I really didn't think anyone would ever want to marry me... so when Kyle took the leap of faith... and as naive as he was... I was like YES YES YES!! Even my DAD jumped for Joy the day we got engaged... :)

But at the 11 year mark... and after probably verbally assaulting one another... we decided to give it four more years... and that has stuck ever since... We actually renew our agreement every five years...

It works for us... it keeps us accountable...

You probably wonder how the kids handled this... Because by now... I had 4 then 5 then 6... 

WELL they can write their own version and their own book one day if needed...

I wasn't proud of my behaviour... I was ashamed daily of me... I was appalled at myself and couldn't believe that that person even existed inside of me... I mean really!! I'm a Christian... I believe in Jesus Christ and I was NOT acting like him or anyone close to him at times...

BUT I knew I was human... I knew I was trying my best... I mean we moved 28 times... 3 times because my brother n law stole our rent money and we had no choice but to find shelter...

It has been a wild 23 years... BUT BUT BUT!!! I wouldn't trade it for the world... YES... I made mistakes... YES... I said things I REGRET!! NO... I don't wish this on anyone...

Infact, my rule of thumb is ADDICTION, ABUSE & ADULTERY is complete grounds for Divorce... and believe me... WE Thought about it...

But something inside us kept us together... Maybe it was our stubbornness... Maybe it was our passion... or just MAYBE it was our belief in Each other that it could be GOOD one day!!

One day I visited my Bishop... He was the only one that helped me... He said, "Sadie... based on your need and my prayers... I feel you have the right to leave HIM... I was like FINALLY!! Finally someone heard my cry... someone could see what nobody else wanted to see... because Kyle was very good at making me look crazy... then the BUT came!!

BUT... what if... what if HE changes... what if HE repents... what if HE starts new...

I am such a sucker for REPENTING...I mean if I really want to follow Jesus Christ I need to forgive just as he did... Kyle wasn't hurting me physically... HE wasn't an angry person... He wasn't hurting the kids... infact, HE was so good to the kids... His only problem was HE only knew HOW to WORK... He didn't know how to be family man... He just didn't know... 

so NOW what!! Do I take my 50K and leave and start over with a new set of problems... or do I keep starting over with him... Do I keep saying I'm sorry... Do I keep waking up in the morning with anxiety..

Afterall.. Kyle is the one who made me strong... Kyle is the one that believed in me when nobody else did.. Kyle was the one that taught me about affirmations... Kyle is the one that sparked my fire of creativity... Kyle is the ONE!!

HE was ALWAYS the ONE!!

I guess I stayed... LOL... I had two more kids with my baby daddy... and I have the greatest kids on earth... 

Kyle and I haven't been easy parents... Kyle and I haven't made relationships look fun... BUT we have never been to counseling... we have never been on medication... we have literally FOUGHT our way though this life together.. Kyle would always say.. "Sadie, YOU have to LOVE the fight."

He didn't say you have to love to fight... YOU have to LOVE THE FIGHT...

Kyle genuinely wasn't a fighter... He was consistently triggered by me... and for that I am sorry... 

We have supported each other through the good and the bad... He was seen me at my weakest and I have seen him at his meanest... LOL...

And I love him for being him... This is nothing that anybody needs to know to even believe... BUT I needed to share this story because to MAXIMIZE YOU EVERYDAY... YOU have to TELL the TRUTH...

The Truth... I hate being married... 

The Truth... I hate myself for hating being married

The Truth... I hate that I didn't know myself before I was married 

The Truth... I love this LIFE!!

The Truth... I know WHY I am here!

The Truth... I love KYLE almost obsessively (the cause of fights-I was to protective & Jealous at times)

The Truth... I love being a MOM...

The Truth... I am here on earth to LEARN

The Truth... I am beyond GRATEFUL Kyle has kept me

The Truth... I am learning to forgive 

The Truth... I am so much stronger then I was 10 years ago...

The Truth... Kyle was willing to love me for me... 

The Truth... That makes me Happy...

SO all in all... Maximize YOU was NOT created for YOU... It was a safe place created for me... an outlet that I could create and bring YOU into a space that would allow me to GIVE back to what so many of you have already given me...

It was a place that I could write positive notes without ANYone knowing the PAIN I was feeling...

THIS story isn't even close to being told... but it's started... and it feels SOOO GOOD!!

I am not perfect... BUT everyday when I sit down to write... I feel God's hand on my heart... I feel him guiding me in my posts... I feel his love for ALL of YOU...

I am HARD!! and I will STAY HARD... (another lesson for another day)... BUT I FEEL...

Never mistake my kindness for weakness... I will keep writing and maximizing YOU... 

Kyle and I still fight... BUT now we fight in style... WE FIGHT NAKED!! 

And we still disagree... and HE still thinks I backstab him when I take the kids side... But make no MISTAKE... I am HIS QUEEN & HE is MY KING...

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